There are different steps to a relationship. We start out
with dating, then courtship, engagement, and then marriage. There is a reason
that they are called steps. We should take one step at a time and this can be taken
in a literal sense. Too many times we start sliding between steps and this can
cause huge problems for later on. Think about it. When you take a step on the
stairs you lift one foot and then the other. If you were to try to slide your
feet up the stairs it would not end very well. Most likely, you will catch your
toe and stumble and end up getting hurt.
We talked about dating last week. Courtship is a period of
time when you have narrowed out everybody else except for this one person and
work towards marriage. You get to know this person better and a courtship will
lead towards marriage. During courtship a couple should talk about marriage,
but really should not start making plans for marriage until they are officially
engaged. Too many times it is a slide from courtship into engagement. During
courtship is when a couple should talk about big decisions and opinions. It is
good to see how compatible you are with somebody during courtship rather than
finding those kinds of things out while engaged. When a man proposes marriage
to a woman, he is showing a huge commitment by going out to buy a ring and
humble himself before her and say he wants to spend the rest of forever with
her. Now, that shows vulnerability. If a man is willing to be that vulnerable,
he must really love her!
Here are some interesting tips to help with preparing for
marriage during your engagement. It is a smart idea to not let your parents pay
for the wedding. We have traditions where the bride’s family pays for certain
parts and the groom’s family pays for other parts. Sometimes this is
unavoidable to not receive help. Weddings can be expensive. Just remember that
the marriage is the most important part. It does not need to be big and fancy to
be worth something. The most important part is combining those two lives into
one. The reason it would be better for the couple to pay for the wedding
themselves is because once the parents of the couple start getting involved
then there are conditions and unsigned contracts. Sometimes a couple
might think the money their parents are lending them is a gift, when parents
sometimes will think of it as a loan and expect that money to be paid back.
Sometimes those undiscussed contracts might be that once a certain side of the
family has paid for the wedding then they will ask questions like who the
couple will be spending certain holidays with and who their children will be
named after. They will say something along the lines of, “remember who paid for
your wedding?” I am not saying all families are like this, but many marriage
and therapists have seen these effects on families- time and time again. There
are some parents who really will just give their children the money and be
happy with whatever decision they make.
Another observation is to make sure that when you are
planning your wedding that is the groom and the bride planning it. They can ask
advice from their parents about if they are missing something. (I know that I
will need help because I am slowly learning about the legal process of what it
takes to get married). As far as what the wedding colors will be, where the
reception venue will be, where to get married, what the wedding cake will be,
what the desserts will be, who will take the photos, etc.- those are decisions
that must be made between the bride and groom. It is a pattern that starts at
the beginning of their marriage so that they learn to make decisions together
instead of involving the outside family creating a wedge between the bride and groom.
Another word of advice is not to go in debt because of your
wedding. Do what is within your budget. Again, it is not the wedding and
reception that is the most important part of this day. It is the bonding of two
individual lives into one unit.
Now to shift gears just a little bit I just want to share
some nuggets of wisdom that will help strengthen your marriage within the few
years of marriage. This has more to do with when you decide to start having
children. Studies have shown that marital satisfaction actually goes down when
the couple starts having children. It makes sense because when the baby comes
the wife’s focus will seem to have shifted towards the child, and this will be
true on a certain level, but she will still need to give her husband time and
attention so that they have that bond. He will start to feel neglected. So the
nuggets of wisdom that I have for you are more directed towards women. When
preparing for a baby are these:
1.
When you are pregnant and
want to talk about what you’re feeling, go to your husband instead of your
mother. I know, I know. She has already experienced it so she can relate and
help you. That is true, but you need to include your husband. He loves you and
wants to help you and sometimes listening is all that needs to be done.
2.
When you feel the baby
kick, let him feel it and describe in as much detail as you can about what if
feels like to you. This will give him a chance to bond with the baby. You are
carrying the baby so you have that automatic bonding. By allowing him to feel
the baby kick and move and describing to him what it is like, he will be able to
start bonding with his little baby. You will feel closer as a couple.
3.
This might sound shocking,
but honestly it just makes sense. DO NOT allow anybody except for your husband
and the medical staff to be in the delivery room. This includes your mother and
this includes his mother. The husband needs to be the one to support his wife
and this will give the family time to bond and feel that closeness that they
need to. To you mothers and mothers-in-law out there, I know this sounds harsh,
but it has been shown time and time again that when the mother of the woman
delivery the baby is in there it can cause a wedge between the woman and her
husband. Just trust us on this. Ask a nurse working in the delivery room and
she’ll most likely tell you that she has seen it happen over and over again.
https://me.me/i/you-have-fallen-directly-into-my-trap-27-super-funny-5974fd494f9f4924894b24f138e9ad99
Well, there are your golden nuggets of truth. Let me know
what you think in the comments below!
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