This week
we are going to talk about something that everyone loves. You probably guessed
it from the title. We are going to talk about dating!
Our culture has completely changed dating. A healthy dating
situation is for a male and female to go on a one-on-one date to be able to get
to know each other better. It is healthy to go on a bunch of dates with a bunch
of different people. How else are you going to know what you want in your
future spouse? Many people are appalled at the idea of dating a lot of
different people.
I remember sitting in my dad’s Spanish I class my freshman
year of high school and having a conversation amongst our class. We talked
about dating. I do not remember too much of the conversation except my dad
asked if Angie would be upset if Pablo asked her out one weekend and then asked
out Victoria for the next weekend. Angie said that she would and Victoria said
she would be upset as well. Their argument was that if you like somebody and go
on a date with them then you should be stuck to that one person. Pablo would be
a player for asking them both out.
The truth of the matter is that this is not a healthy way to
date. The whole purpose of going on a date is getting to know someone one on
one. People argue that we get to know someone by hanging out with them. While
hanging out is an important part of seeking a potential mate, that is just a
small portion. Hang outs are important so you can get to know a person in a
group setting and see how they interact with lots of different people. If you
really want to get to know someone you will take them on a date. Dates provide boundaries
so that we can truly get to know a person and seek that potential partner.
The more dates, the more experiences we will have. We need
to get over this culture misconception that we should only be committed to one
person. We SHOULD only be committed to one person, but a man and a woman should
only start dating seriously when they are on the path to marriage.
Another aspect to keep in mind is there is something that a
very intelligent man by the name of John Van Epp who is the author of “How to
Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk”. He used attachment theory and came up with
the Relationship Attachment Model.
This model is used to assess five different
stages of a relationship. Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, and Touch. This scale
shows us that we should not touch a person more than we know a person. Our scale
should be as shown below for a healthy relationship. We should know a person
more than we trust a person, trust a person more than we rely on a person, rely
on a person more than we commit to a person, and commit to a person more than
we touch a person. It should be in this order and not vice versa. That is why
hook-ups and NCMOs are extremely dangerous.
When we touch a person more than we know a person then our brain
tricks itself into thinking that we know the person more than we actually do.
This can lead to serious heartbreak in the end. This affects women more than
men because when a woman kisses a man then it shoots off oxytocin and makes her
feel closer to him. It is also an interest fact that the more men a woman
kisses and has sex with the less detached she will be to her husband. This is
of course before she is already married.
Now that all that is explained we are going to get a little
churchy. So in The Family: A Proclamation to the World it states that “Fathers
are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are
responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their
families.” You can learn a lot about if a man does that on a date. President
Dallin H. Oaks taught, “A ‘date’ must pass the test of the three ps: (1)
planned ahead, (2) paid for and (3) paired off.” You can match the three Ps of a
date to the three Ps of a father’s responsibility. If he pays for the date that
shows that he can provide. If he plans the date that shows that he can preside.
If the date is paired that gives him the opportunity to protect. He is responsible
for making sure his date is safe.
So, ponder on these teachings, but just remember that science
supports it all. Please let me know what you think in the comments below!
https://two.byu.edu/stop-hanging-out-and-go-on-a-date/
https://www.lds.org/manual/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng
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