Communication!

Communication is very important in every interaction we have with people, but it is especially important in family life. Guess how much of communication is actually speaking words? Only 14%! Non-verbal communication makes up 51% of communication, and 35% of communication is the tone of voice.

I mean, think about it. How many times does someone come in the room and you can already tell they are upset with you or upset about something? They slam the door, they grimace, they roll their eyes, stomp their feet, etc. On the other hand, you can tell when somebody is happy with you when they smile, hug you, wrap their arms around you, and for more romantic relationships maybe even kiss you. These non-verbal cues speak volumes. If you want to see a more comedial approach to this you can watch this video. **

There are also five secrets (or techniques) to helping communication and a conversation go smoother.

The first is the disarming technique. If you spouse seems unreasonable, then use this technique. It will help people to not get defensive. When the person you are talking with is upset then focus on the kernel of truth. There is one in every accusation or communication. If you focus on this kernel of truth and empathize then you will be able to diffuse the spark before it ignites and starts a fire.

The second technique is to express empathy. This includes empathy with thoughts and also with feelings. Think about it. Don’t you feel more validated in your feelings when somebody empathizes with you? I know I do! Empathy is important within any time of communication.

The third technique is inquiry. This is another form of empathy. When you are having a conversation and are asking questions it helps the person you are speaking with realize that you are genuinely interested in the conversation. It helps them to be able to expand on what they are feeling. Using words and phrases like, “Did I get that right? I would like to hear more” can do wonders for a conversation and feelings that a person will have towards you.

The fourth technique is an assertive approach, which is to use I-Feel statements. When you use I-Feel statements it helps a person to feel less attacked. When someone feels accused then they are going to get defensive and you are not going to be able to carry a conversation. It will probably just escalate to a fight. Here is an example of how you can use a statement.

WHEN (circumstance) I FEEL (emotion), BECAUSE (thoughts) I WOULD BE (hope/desire).

EX: When you yell at me, I feel scared and unappreciated because I think that you hate me and do not want me around. If you did not yell at me, I would be more willing to do my chores and feel safe and secure when I am around you.

The last technique is a responsive technique referred to as stroking. This is more just to express admiration and appreciation for the person with whom you are conversing. This is the most positive way to communicate because by the end of the conversation you should both feel loved and appreciated.

Another fun fact is that sarcasm is the most destructive form of communication that exists. Next time maybe think about what you are about to sarcastically comment to someone and how your response would be if you were told the same thing, even if it was sarcastic. (I’m still working on this one!)

President Gordon B. Hinckley once said, “When it comes to marriage, we need to communicate so clearly not just that we can be understood, but so we cannot be misunderstood.” Take this advice to heart. When we truly have complete and perfect communication then we are able to have more love and unity and it helps frustrations to disappear.

Here are some golden nuggets that I hope will help you in your conversations and communication. If you have any questions, comments, or suggestions please leave them in the comments!