Communication!

Communication is very important in every interaction we have with people, but it is especially important in family life. Guess how much of communication is actually speaking words? Only 14%! Non-verbal communication makes up 51% of communication, and 35% of communication is the tone of voice.

I mean, think about it. How many times does someone come in the room and you can already tell they are upset with you or upset about something? They slam the door, they grimace, they roll their eyes, stomp their feet, etc. On the other hand, you can tell when somebody is happy with you when they smile, hug you, wrap their arms around you, and for more romantic relationships maybe even kiss you. These non-verbal cues speak volumes. If you want to see a more comedial approach to this you can watch this video. **

There are also five secrets (or techniques) to helping communication and a conversation go smoother.

The first is the disarming technique. If you spouse seems unreasonable, then use this technique. It will help people to not get defensive. When the person you are talking with is upset then focus on the kernel of truth. There is one in every accusation or communication. If you focus on this kernel of truth and empathize then you will be able to diffuse the spark before it ignites and starts a fire.

The second technique is to express empathy. This includes empathy with thoughts and also with feelings. Think about it. Don’t you feel more validated in your feelings when somebody empathizes with you? I know I do! Empathy is important within any time of communication.

The third technique is inquiry. This is another form of empathy. When you are having a conversation and are asking questions it helps the person you are speaking with realize that you are genuinely interested in the conversation. It helps them to be able to expand on what they are feeling. Using words and phrases like, “Did I get that right? I would like to hear more” can do wonders for a conversation and feelings that a person will have towards you.

The fourth technique is an assertive approach, which is to use I-Feel statements. When you use I-Feel statements it helps a person to feel less attacked. When someone feels accused then they are going to get defensive and you are not going to be able to carry a conversation. It will probably just escalate to a fight. Here is an example of how you can use a statement.

WHEN (circumstance) I FEEL (emotion), BECAUSE (thoughts) I WOULD BE (hope/desire).

EX: When you yell at me, I feel scared and unappreciated because I think that you hate me and do not want me around. If you did not yell at me, I would be more willing to do my chores and feel safe and secure when I am around you.

The last technique is a responsive technique referred to as stroking. This is more just to express admiration and appreciation for the person with whom you are conversing. This is the most positive way to communicate because by the end of the conversation you should both feel loved and appreciated.

Another fun fact is that sarcasm is the most destructive form of communication that exists. Next time maybe think about what you are about to sarcastically comment to someone and how your response would be if you were told the same thing, even if it was sarcastic. (I’m still working on this one!)

President Gordon B. Hinckley once said, “When it comes to marriage, we need to communicate so clearly not just that we can be understood, but so we cannot be misunderstood.” Take this advice to heart. When we truly have complete and perfect communication then we are able to have more love and unity and it helps frustrations to disappear.

Here are some golden nuggets that I hope will help you in your conversations and communication. If you have any questions, comments, or suggestions please leave them in the comments!

Family Stressors

This week we are going to talk about family stressors. I’m not talking about when your family is stressing you out, but circumstances that fall upon the family that can cause a lot of stress. The most common family stressors deal with finances, sickness, death, abuse, fighting, divorce, blame and shame, and babies.

In my family we have had a few family stressors regarding finances, accidents, and babies.

Having a new baby in the family can always be a stressor, and in my family we have 5 children. I know that my parents love each and every one of us unconditionally, but that does not mean it is an easy adjustment when adding somebody to the family. However, if you ask any one of us, we would not have it any other way.

I can also recall a few times in my life when my dad has been in a few accidents. I remember one occasion when I was a young girl, my family went on vacation to see my grandparents. While we were there, my father, his brothers, his nephew, and a friend went up in the mountains on a week-long fishing trip. They had been planning this for months. The first night that they got there, they knew they arrived too late to go up to the lake to fish, but they wanted to go up on horseback to check out locations. On their pack trip up, all of a sudden, my dad’s horse started running and bucking like crazy. She made a sharp turn and bucked my dad off and he says all he remembers seeing coming at him was a tree and two giant rocks. Well, he hit his head on those two boulders and tree and it knocked him out cold. After a four-wheeler ride, an ambulance ride, and a flight for life, my father was headed to the Pueblo Hospital.

During this time my mother had heard the incident on my grandma’s police scanner and prayed it was not my father. The phone rang a while later and it was my uncle on the phone kindly and lovingly telling her what had happened. I remember being on my grandma’s bed with my sisters watching a television show when my mother came in the room and told us what had occurred. She suggested and offered a short prayer of comfort for all of us. In this manner, my mother was “[rearing] us in love and righteousness.” She taught me about faith and prayer that day. When my uncle got back to town, he picked up my mother and my paternal grandmother and drove them to the hospital, three hours from where we were staying at this time. (We were on vacation and were at my grandmother’s house.) Meanwhile, my maternal grandmother was caring for my siblings and I. I wanted to go with my mother so bad, but I knew that I had to stay and take care of my little sisters. That night we fell asleep and I remember waking up somewhere about three or four in the morning to them coming in the house and walking my dad back to the bedroom he and my mother were sleeping in. I remember seeing my uncle and my dad walking through the doorframe and the joy I felt as I saw him. I was so grateful and I remember that after they had gone through the room I knelt in prayer and thanked my Heavenly Father that my daddy was still alive and that he was able to walk. I know that my father felt bad and a little guilty that the trip had not even lasted twelve hours when they had been planning a week, but nobody resented or held it against my dad. Everyone was just so thankful that he was alive and well.

This was a stressor that was put my parents, but it is all about the way that they handled it. My mom did not lament and was not upset with my dad or any of the men on the trip. She was worried and hoping my dad was going to be alright. That is one thing that I admire so much about my mother. She is put in a stressful situation and handles it with such ease. She is calm and makes sure that my dad is being properly taken care of. My dad has had a few incidents where my mother could have reacted in a negative matter, and same goes with her, but they handle it with love and respect to each other.

Let's Talk About Sex

This week I learned about sexual intimacy. Why was this the focus of this week and why am I writing this blog about it? There are so many misconceptions that the media portrays about how sex is. Sex education is something that parents need to teach their children (See "A Parent's Guide" in Additional Resources below). There is a lot of potential joy that can come from sex if it is done in the right way. Another important aspect about sex to remember is that it is a sacred act between a husband and wife. It is not something that is dirty or that should be just for fun.

                              https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/311241024227890591/

There are four parts of the sexual response cycle. There is excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. Throughout this explanation we will be sure to pinpoint the differences between men and women during their sexual experience.

The first stage is the excitement period. This is the buildup stage. Physical and emotional sensation changes and blood flow gets redirected to the genitals and the breast tissue. There is also increased energy and sensitivity to the nerves and muscles throughout the body. This stage may or may not lead to the next stage. I say may or may not because a couple might be in this stage, but then an interruption might occur. (Their baby starts to cry, a telephone rings, etc.) This is the beginning stage that will lead into the plateau stage. Men are aroused much faster than women.

The plateau stage is what prepares the way for orgasm. Men might have a hard time controlling ejaculation which will cause their plateau stage to be short. A woman might have a brief plateau right before orgasm. If a couple gets a longer plateau then they will feel a high sexual intensity and it will feel like a sexual high. Both the male and female bodies will start to feel the physiological changes during this period. Besides the change they will feel in their sex organs, a couple will also experience faster heartbeats, faster breathing, and increased blood pressure.

The orgasm is the third stage. Orgasm is the shortest stage in the sexual intimacy cycle. “Orgasm is a discharge of the sexual tension that has been built up and maintained during the plateau. Usually it involves muscular contractions and intense physical feelings that occur in the matter of a few seconds and are followed by rapid relaxation” (Lauer, (2012) P. 79-80). This could be uncontrollable muscle spasms in the intimate parts of the body as well as in the face. This is a signal of high arousal. Women can have multiple orgasms if they proceed to have stimulation. Men have orgasms in two phases: ejaculation and muscular contractions that lead to ejaculation. Men want to have sex because they want to feel close warm and safe to his partner. Women will not have an orgasm unless she already feels close, warm and safe to her partner. She literally opens herself up to him, and she will not do this unless she feels these three things: close, warm, and safe.

The last stage is the resolution period. This is the period where the males and females return to their normal state before sexual arousal. For men the refractory period is part of the resolution period. This is the recovery period. This can last for minutes or hours. This is the most enjoyable and pleasurable stage. This is where we hear about the “afterglow.” If there was not an orgasm during sex then the resolution period will take a bit longer.

https://www.medicaldaily.com/happy-marriage-better-health-married-couples-have-better-recovery-time-after-heart-359444

It’s important to remember that parts that are pleasurable to him in one stage will be painful to her, and then what will be pleasurable to her will be painful to him. Research has shown that men and women have a more enjoyable experience when they forget about their pleasure and they focus on their spouse. In 1 Corinthians 7:1-4 we read:

1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.

3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

Verse 2 is pretty straightforward. Every man should have a wife and every woman should have a husband. His own. Not to share. This is how to avoid fornication. Fornication is by definition of Webster’s dictionary “sexual intercourse between people not married to each other.”

Due benevolence in verse 3 means that they have a right and form of respect. It means that it is a gift that has not been earned, but it has been given. Husband and wife should deliver benevolence to each other in everything and this includes sex. What greater way can you imagine than to give yourself to someone completely?

Verse 4 teaches that husband and wife are to give completely to each other so a husband should not be selfish and neither should a woman. The best sex comes from giving entirely to your spouse and vice versa.

Sex is beautiful. When it happens with the right person then it can bring complete joy. This is just a snidbit of the wonderfulness that comes from sex in a married unit. There is so much more that is very important, but that will be it for this week. Let me know in the comments what you think and if you have any more questions.

Below are some additional resources to read and ponder on.

"A Parent's Guide"

"Love and Marriage" by Sister Wendy Watson Nelson

Lauer, Robert H., and Lauer, Jeanette C. (2012) Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy, 8th Edition. Boston: McGraw-Hill