Parenting

What is the purpose of parenting? What can we learn from parenting? Well, here are just a few simple responses to those questions. The purpose of parenting is to learn to become like God, learn how to be responsible, hardworking, and help to build up society, change the world within your household, protect and provide for a child to be able to survive in society, to bring joy, to have a sense of belonging, to give the best experience for potential, to improve the community, to provide a support network, and to provide disciple training. While we were talking about this in my Family Relations class this week one of my classmates said something that I really liked and agree with. She said, “We grow up as children wanting to be parents, and we grow as parents wanting to be like God.”

He knows the best parenting style and if we follow in his manner then we can raise successful children and be successful parents ourselves, even if it will not feel that we are successful along the way. Life is about trial and error anyway, isn’t it?

To give an example of how parents help their children survive in society I would like to share a personal experience. My parents gave me responsibility as a child and taught me how to do lots of different activities. They taught me how to be responsible for my chores, work, and school work. They taught me this and had me do it on my own, while providing the necessary support when I needed it. My parents helped me with homework if I did not understand the material and helped me study, but never did they do an assignment for me, or make an excuse for me when I did not complete an assignment. They trained me well how to do things for myself when I could do them for myself and because they did that, I can survive in college and in society. I don’t have to have my parents call in and make excuses for me in college as to why I didn’t get my homework done, or why certain documents are not being accepted because I am an adult now and can do it for myself because of the way they raised me. I can also call and make appointments for myself. I don’t have to call my parents every day asking them to do something for me or how to do it. They taught me how to be responsible for myself and how to use my resources to find the answer for myself. Long story short, teach your kids responsibility and how to provide for themselves so that they can survive in society when they are out of the house.

There are different parenting styles. We have the coercive/authoritarian styles, the permissive style, the uninvolved/disengaged style or the authoritative parenting style. The coercive/authoritarian style is characterized by parents who deride, demean, or diminish children by continually yell and try to control their children and their circumstances. The permissive parenting style consists of parents who overindulge or neglect their children by leaving them to their own upraising or consequences. The uninvolved/disengaged parenting style consists of parents who are neither loving or demanding. The authoritative parenting styles is the optimal parenting style that fosters a positive emotional connection with children, provide regulation that places fair and consistent limits on child behavior, and allow reasonable child autonomy in decision making.

The authoritative parenting style is the ideal parenting style. When a parent works to parent in this manner then they are helping their children to grow and develop in a positive manner. They are also able to provide their children with self-esteem and grow to be functioning adults in society. It is not easy to always parent in this way, and you will not get it right the first time or even the time after that, but the point is to keep trying and doing your best every day. Your parenting style will change daily and with every child because every child is different, but the optimum goal is to parent in an authoritative manner.

Click here to take a quiz and find out what kind of parenting style you have!

Ironically my mother sent me this picture as I was writing this blog, and it just goes so perfectly. She did not know I was writing about parenting, but she sent it at the right time because, you know, my mom is awesome like that!

I love my parents and I am so grateful for them. I honestly wish everybody was blessed to have parents like mine. I know that if I try to teach in an authoritative way, that I can raise successful children.

Fathers and Finances

This week we are going to talk about fathers. I love my father. He is my example and my hero. I really look up to him. Not everybody has been blessed with a father as wonderful as mine, and I know I have many friends who really dislike their fathers and think they would be better off without them. The truth is that fathers are an important part of making a family function. There are a lot of devastating statistics that are part of growing up without a father. Below are some interesting statistics found from the National Fatherhood Initiative website.

            (Click here to see it bigger)

https://www.fatherhood.org/father-absence-statistic

These statistics can be devastating, but it can also help us to know what is really going on in the world and help us strive to be better people.

Knowing these things can help us know how to improve. If a person was raised with a good father, then it will help a boy to know what kind of man he should be, and it will help the girl know what kind of man she should date and marry. If a person did not have a good father then it will help a boy to know how his father affected him and he will know what not to do, as well as for a girl she can look to her father and know what kind of man she does not want to have in her life. If a person was raised without a father in the home then this information can help them know what they need to look for. For a boy he will know the kind of damage it can cause for him to not be there for his children, and for a girl it will help her to know where her priorities need to be so that she can know the effects of her children not having a father in the home will have. Some will say, “Well, I didn’t have a father growing up, and I turned out fine.” There is no room for growth with that kind of mentality and even if you did grow up just fine, you can still provide a better life for your children.

“The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.”

Another reason that fathers are important is so that there is someone to make money so the mother can stay home and take care of her children. Some of you might think that this is sexist, but this the way that the Lord has designed for us to raise our families. To see this in a further light we can use The Family: A Proclamation to the World.

This declaration states:

“By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World).

Circumstances are different for each family. Sometimes a mother and father will both need to work. That is sometimes what we think. There was an interesting study done where a couple tracked how much they would make together. For their yearly salary he would make $42,000 and she would make $22,000. Together they would only make $40,500 a year. All of their expenses were going to having to pay for child care, transportation, food for their lunch, and new clothes for their professional jobs. This statistic is shocking. People usually think that with two working parents they would make more of an income, but it usually happens where they are not making as much as compared to if it was a one-income household.

Another thing to consider is that the father works a full-time job and so does the mother. That usually will include 58 hours per week not being with their family. This would be 40 hours of work, but the other 18 hours would include getting ready for work and also travel time. The man has to do that because a family needs money, but when the wife does it as well, it detracts a lot of time away from her children and they are receiving outside influences and have somebody else raising their children.

I am grateful for my father and that he has always been a hard-working man. He has always provided for my mother, my siblings, and I. I know what kind of man that I want because the example that my father has set for me.

Here are some other interesting articles to read:

http://fathers.com/statistics-and-research/the-consequences-of-fatherlessness/

https://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2017/06/18/533062607/poverty-dropouts-pregnancy-suicide-what-the-numbers-say-about-fatherless-kids

https://www.dennisprager.com/does-a-full-time-homemaker-swap-her-mind-for-a-mop/

Communication!

Communication is very important in every interaction we have with people, but it is especially important in family life. Guess how much of communication is actually speaking words? Only 14%! Non-verbal communication makes up 51% of communication, and 35% of communication is the tone of voice.

I mean, think about it. How many times does someone come in the room and you can already tell they are upset with you or upset about something? They slam the door, they grimace, they roll their eyes, stomp their feet, etc. On the other hand, you can tell when somebody is happy with you when they smile, hug you, wrap their arms around you, and for more romantic relationships maybe even kiss you. These non-verbal cues speak volumes. If you want to see a more comedial approach to this you can watch this video. **

There are also five secrets (or techniques) to helping communication and a conversation go smoother.

The first is the disarming technique. If you spouse seems unreasonable, then use this technique. It will help people to not get defensive. When the person you are talking with is upset then focus on the kernel of truth. There is one in every accusation or communication. If you focus on this kernel of truth and empathize then you will be able to diffuse the spark before it ignites and starts a fire.

The second technique is to express empathy. This includes empathy with thoughts and also with feelings. Think about it. Don’t you feel more validated in your feelings when somebody empathizes with you? I know I do! Empathy is important within any time of communication.

The third technique is inquiry. This is another form of empathy. When you are having a conversation and are asking questions it helps the person you are speaking with realize that you are genuinely interested in the conversation. It helps them to be able to expand on what they are feeling. Using words and phrases like, “Did I get that right? I would like to hear more” can do wonders for a conversation and feelings that a person will have towards you.

The fourth technique is an assertive approach, which is to use I-Feel statements. When you use I-Feel statements it helps a person to feel less attacked. When someone feels accused then they are going to get defensive and you are not going to be able to carry a conversation. It will probably just escalate to a fight. Here is an example of how you can use a statement.

WHEN (circumstance) I FEEL (emotion), BECAUSE (thoughts) I WOULD BE (hope/desire).

EX: When you yell at me, I feel scared and unappreciated because I think that you hate me and do not want me around. If you did not yell at me, I would be more willing to do my chores and feel safe and secure when I am around you.

The last technique is a responsive technique referred to as stroking. This is more just to express admiration and appreciation for the person with whom you are conversing. This is the most positive way to communicate because by the end of the conversation you should both feel loved and appreciated.

Another fun fact is that sarcasm is the most destructive form of communication that exists. Next time maybe think about what you are about to sarcastically comment to someone and how your response would be if you were told the same thing, even if it was sarcastic. (I’m still working on this one!)

President Gordon B. Hinckley once said, “When it comes to marriage, we need to communicate so clearly not just that we can be understood, but so we cannot be misunderstood.” Take this advice to heart. When we truly have complete and perfect communication then we are able to have more love and unity and it helps frustrations to disappear.

Here are some golden nuggets that I hope will help you in your conversations and communication. If you have any questions, comments, or suggestions please leave them in the comments!